More inside info - thanks, Dena!

I got this questionnaire from Dena (may I add your blog's url?) and I think it's a fun one... And since she's one of the first people I met online (besides a guy I'm talking to at this very moment) I sure will do as she asked to - I'll answer these questions - no matter how stupid and private at least one of these is (or is it are?).
I'm babbling again!!!


1. Full name: Kathrin Maria Pistauer
2. What guys call you: Kathrin
3. What girls call you: Kathrin
4. What your parents/family calls you: Kathrin
5. What your teachers call you: Kathrin (if they remember my name - I've always been really quiet!)
6. Birth City: Erlenbach am Main in Bavaria, Germany
7. What hospital: the one in Erlenbach?!?
8. Time: 3:14p.m (or was it 3:13p.m.?)
9. Hometown: very, very small town called Seckmauern - and no, I don't lie in Luetzelbach, we hate this town!!!
10. Best Thing About Where You Live: carneval - it can't be better than here, no matter where on earth!!!
11. Number of times you've moved: till today 0 times
12. Birthday: April 10
13. Age: 20
14. Grade: going to university soon
15. School: 3 so far
16. Parents (real/step): Edgar and Andrea
17. Siblings (whole/step/half and ages): 1 brother
18. Parents married or divorced: Married
19. How is your room decorated (in detail): white walls with Scream 1-3, Meet Joe Black and Crazy on the walls plus the Julian McMahon calendar my friends gave me for Xmas and a calendar from 2002 opened on July; big book cases, wooden furniture seems to be ancient, but only the wardrobe is
20. What kind of cell phone do you have: Nokia, pre-paid weird grey-green color
21. Pets: none at the moment
22. Screenname(s): Depends on where you're lookin'
23. What is your eye color: blue-grey
24. What is your hair color: many different shades - blonde, brown and reddish
25. How is your hair cut: bit over shoulder length, not all hair with the same length
26. What size shoe do you wear: dunno, maybe 6 or 6 1/2?

SECTION TWO: What's your favorite..........

1. Food: pItalian, Chinese...
2. Drink: Water & Tea
3. Fruit: none at all - I hate those!
4. Vegetable: carotts
5. Color: blue
6. Cologne/perfume: s.Oliver Sports Female
7. Part of the body: depends on the person, but I like eyes and mouths
8. Stuffed animal: my teddy bear
9. Mall: none specifically
10. Candle scent: please! no scented candles, I get a headache
11. Store: Hugendubel (huge book store in many big German cities)
13. Current song: Juli - Die perfekte Welle (The perfect wave - I'll translate the lyrics as soon as possible)
14. Older song: 60s & 80s stuff to name the really old stuff
15. Movie: many!!!
16. Actor: Julian McMahon (who wouldn't know after the room question?)
17. Actress: Reese Witherspoon
18. Animal: Dogs
19. TV channel: Pro7, Kabel1, MTV, RTL, RTL2, VOX
20. TV show: Sex and the City, Charmed, M.A.S.H., Gilmore Girls, Friends...
21. Radio station: FFH - nothing's better in German radio!
22. Rapper: difficult one, dunno!
24. Soundtrack: When Harry met Sally, Les Miserables, Grease
25. Boy name: Jake, Marc
26. Girl name: Jennifer Christina, Julianne
27. Flower: none! I kill them all :(
28. Holiday: carneval
29. Day of the week: Friday
30. Month: February
31. Season: Winter
32. City: so far London and Barcelona
33. Province: Hessen (I got in a 'fight' with a teacher once when I said I didn't want to learn the founding date of Bavaria, though I went to a Bavarian school, cause after all I still lived in Hessen :) )
34. Vacation spot: London, Barcelona (more exactly Calella - easy to get to Barca from there)
35. Age to be: I like being 20 a lot
36. College football team: German's don't have college football teams :(
37. Jeans brand: Street One (not exactly a Jeans brand, but rather for young fashion) and one I just don't remember
38. Cartoon: Asterix and Obelix
39. Place to drive around: Frankfurt and Munich
40. Blanket: blue
41. Car: Audi A3
42. Eye color: I don't care about eye color, they have to be expressive. I like eyes!
43. Hair color: with actors dark hair, but not in real life
44. Pen ink color: Blue
45. Shoes that you own: two pairs made of black (fake?) leather with heels (2'' and 3-4'')
46. Computer game: The Sims (thanks to a before mentioned guy)
47. Quote: Romeo & Juliet - Prologue
48. Favourite Book: Monkeewrench by P.J. Tracy, Theo's Voyage by Catherine Clement, Harry Potter by Joanne K. Rowling, everything by William Shakespeare...

SECTION THREE: Person who...

1. Is your best friend: I have a couple
2. You want to go out with: famous person? or in real life?
3. You want: Someone warm, but independent. - ditto, Dena
4. Teases you the most: family
5. You hate the most: no one really
6. Makes you laugh the hardest: my cousins, my friends
7. Makes you cry: I don't need help with that
8. Makes you smile: my cousins and my friends
9. You connect with: couple people
10. Has your same clothing style: maybe Simone (who now spends a long, long half year in Australia)?
11. Is most like you personality wise: dunno
12. You lie to: I hate lies, but sometimes I lie to myself
14. You wish you never met: my ex - he kind of made a zynic out of me
16. You love to hate: Jennifer Lopez. Die, whore! - ditto, Dena
17. You hate to love: there's this one person...
18. Go to for advice: my Grandma and my friends
19. Trust the most: those who proved that they're trustworthy (is that a word?)
21. Care for the most: friends, cousins and their parents
22. Love: friends, cousins and their parents

SECTION FOUR: questions about the real you

1. Ever been in love: nope
2. Ever had sex: no
3. What do you wish you had more of: money, time and patience
4. What do you wish you had less of: stress
5. Whats the best feeling in the world: knowing my friends, grandparents, cousins and their prents are there
6. Whats the worst feeling in the world: fear (though I hate to admit it)
7. What song puts you in a good mood: many
8. What song puts you in a bad mood: those f***ing love songs (isn't there a song called Love Song where a woman sings about f***ing love songs?)
10. When are you the saddest: when I'm in the rigt mood for listening to f***ing love songs
12. What makes you vulnerable: Admitting how I feel about someone. - ditto
13. When is the last time you cried: don't remember
14. When was the last time you were TRULY happy: the first few days my cousin was here
15. Have you ever thought about suicide: yep, but not long, I can't see blood and it's selfish
16. Have you ever had an eating disorder: yes
17. Have you ever been depressed: I think so - might be at the moment
18. What is your biggest fear: Dying unmmarried and childless! - ditto, and not getting a job I really like
19. Have you ever had a broken heart: maybe for half a day?
20. Do you ever hurt people intentionally? no!!!
21. What is one thing you cannot stand: reading slumps - I'm a book addict, what am I in a reading slump?!?

*gr* fits best my mood at the moment

At the moment I'm in a really bad mood. I have about 3 weeks left until courses start - okay, it's more than three weeks, but with moving and all I can't relax - and yet my parents just don't understand and the universities take their time and that's only half of it... I get in a worse mood from second to second. :(

So far I got the answers of two universities. One from Augsburg where I applied to become a teacher and the second answer was from Frankfurt/Main. There I applied for both - teacher and lawyer - and they didn't mention in the stupid letter whether I'm accepted for studies to become a teacher or a lawyer. This just sucks. And the other universities haven
t even replied so far!!! It's like hanging in the air without knowing what will happen next.

Then my Dad at the moment has to 'tear down' the machines in the building where he works. They were talking about him then working at building up another unit, but now that he has to tear the machines down already and the new unit is not yet ripe for decision. So his mood is getting worse, too, and we're the ones suffering from it. If he loses his job then I can't go to university (he had to buy the motor bike and the tractor this May) and I have no clue what to do then cause I won't be able to start job training. This always starts on September 1st and applications are only possible till January or February.

Then, my parents always complain cause I don't work during my months off... Helloo?!? First of all: soon-to-be-students don't get jobs unless it's through family members. Second: I do work! I might not work much, but I give extra tuition once a week and get some good money for it.
Now, one of Mum's friends asked me to help her out again (dunno whether I told you about last time: a man, about 50 years old, disabled who needs diapers - nothing for me, and Mum knows this!) with taking care of two little kids (1 & 4) for a while. I can take care of one little kid for half a day or so, but no way could I take care of two little kids each morning for 2-4 weeks. I'm just not patient enough and therefore it wouldn't be nice for the kids (besides: last time I agreed to take care of one 2 year old kid for Mum's friend the mother used me as a maid - and that's not my job!!!). And it would also interfere with my extra tuition. The boy, his Mum and I agreed that I'd come during the morning so that he could have the afternoon off. I said 'That's fine, I have absolutely nothing to do so we can do this the entire vacation.' and now I'm supposed to say 'Bad luck, boy, I havea job that's more important and so you have to learn the entire morning with your Mum and in the afternoon I'm there to teach you.'?!? No, I couldn't do this to him. His life is hard enough with his Mum drilling him to get good grades and forcing him to learn almost all the time. The afternoon off was a deal!!! But my parents don't understand and accept this. :(

Also, I'm the one who has to get my brother out of bed in the morning (he's almost 17) cause he has to start job training on September 1st and he goes to bed early in the morning, gets up late morning or early afternoon and is always in a bad mood. Yet, I'm the one who has to wake him up and take care o him staying out of bed (impossible!). Just today my Mum told me to look whether he's doing drugs or anything. Who am I?!?

And now, there am I: not feeling well, with a headache, feeling dizzy and who takes care of that? No one - I'm the whining person in our family... but they only know about 30 or 40% of when I don't feel well.

Okay, now I have to get back to thinking about Frankfurt/Main or Augsburg - just in case I don't get answers from any of the other universities.

What I don't like about Germany

Okay, I've been thinking a while about saying what I think or not. Nowadays there are too many jobs where they check your name on the internet to try and find out about the person applying for the job. But then - I am who I am and I don't exactly like Germany... So you either take me as the person I am or you leave me alone - that's your decision...

Now back to the topic. I have been thinking about how to make this easy to understand and I've come to the conclusion that it's easiest if I just number them...
So here it goes:

1. I don't feel at home here. I can't really explain it, but I've never felt German and I don't think this will change. I've hoped so for the first 17 years of my life and nothing changed, so I then decided I had to accept it. Now I'm looking for an alternative...

2. Okay, as I already wrote, I'm going to go to university in October and therefore I will have to move in an apartment - either on my own or with other students, depends on what's cheaper and better (no way am I going to live with some freaks!!!). But Germany is Germany and it's actually impossible for students to work besides attending courses - unless it's Saturday night at a bar/club (and I'm don't go to clubs in my free time). That's cause it is possible that the first course starts at 8 something (a.m.) and teh last ends sometime in the evening with other courses spread all over the day and possibly even a couple hours (2 or so) off. So I can only place an ad in a newspaper and search for students I can give extra tuition and work in the semester vacations... So I will have to hope my parents can pay the apartment and the regular stuff (electricity etc.) and I can work to pay food and part of the books.

3. Well, I already said that I have to rely on my parents' help with the rent and other payments I will have to make during my time at the university. Right now I have no clue where I'm going to university and therefore I don't have an idea as to where I'm going to live this October. Yet, my parents announced 2 months ago already that they were going to visit me as soon as possible. I was like: 'Hello?!? I'm 20 years old, I'm going to university and I'm trying to become more independant!!! How's this supposed to work when you're coming to visit me all the time???' Of course I didn't say this loud, I just thought this - everything else would have been rude.
But still - I'll possibly be 5 or more hours away from home and they always fuss about me wanting to visit my friends who live 20 minutes away (by car)... Does his make sense? Not to me... So no matter where in Germany, I couldn't become independant as long as my parents are alive and I don't want them to die, so I am the one who has to leave!!!

4. Germany economy - bad, worse, the worst!!! Well, it might not be the worst yet, but it's on the way to there. I've never ever seen a country being ruined by politicians and company owners that quick - at least not in countries that are said to be a democracy...

5. I just don't see a chance for me to get what I want - though I'm not asking or much and I'm willing to work so that I really deserve it.

to be continued...

Mrs Sarcasm's relationship problems

I once said (in 'Déjà vu all over again ;-)') that I wished I had become the 'new me' earlier cause I think that way I migt not be THAT sarcastic about relationships, but that this was another story...

Well, here it is:
So far I've had only one relationship. I know, I'm bit slow if it's about boys/men... Well, I had a crush once before, but that was it for me. Maybe I should start with this, I'm not sure...
After all, it took me about 15 years to finally 'fall for' a guy. He was doing judo just as I did and we were talking a lot during training hours. About nothing special, but about this and that. With the help of a friend I finally dared sending him a letter (yeah! though I saw him once or twice a week almost every week...). Well, with the second letter I sent my phone number (stupid, stupid me!!!), and... he called!!! He tried a couple times while I still was away for riding lessons a couple hours before training. And guess what I did when I finally was at home when he was calling? No, I didn't admit having written the letter, I was just the way I always am, and said I had no clue (yeah, stupid, stupid me!!!). That evening I went to the training and was just like all the times - I think... Maybe I was different, but that's something my friends should answer. Well, about 5 months or so later (I think) all 4 (father, 2 sons and the friend of the younger son) stopped coming to training.

Then, about 1 year later, my friends persuaded me to come to the ball the high school (we call it 'Gymnasium') organized and all my excuses (I hadn't taken part in the dancing lessons) were not accepted and they also spend 4 of their free hours at school to teach me how to dance. So there I went with my friends and I finally met the guy a good friend/'personal dance instructor', Kerstin, called her 'best male friend'. As it happens every now and then, the two sitting between me and the guy left to dance a bit and he (Sebastian) started talking to me - or did I start the conversation? I don't know... It was late and we talked about music (HIS favorite music - that's important for the rest of the story!) and I was just glad that no one forced me to dance. That's the only explanation I have for why I didn't make him meet my fist - during the entire conversation he stared in my neckline. On our way home (a good male friend of mine/neighbor was there too, but with other friends) my friend and I were talking and a couple days later we were talking about the neckline-guy, too. He warned me that this guy was a first class idiot and ass, but I didn't listen (again: stupid, stupid me!!!). This was December, I think. In January, Kerstin told me that Sebastian didn’t know how to ask me whether I wanted to come to his birthday party, so he asked her to do it (duh, say it with me: stupid, stupid me!!!). I agreed and after the party, when I was getting ready to leave, he told me to call him and gave me his phone number.
And I called him the next weekend, if I’m right (once again: stupid, stupid me!!!). We agreed to meet again at his family’s home. The second time we met alone we were at my home and in the evening he suddenly asked whether I wanted the two of us to be a couple... Yes, he seriously asked!!! That was late January or on one of the first days of February.
The next few weeks had some big bad routine: He picked me up at school on Wednesday and we walked back to his home. We met on Friday and Saturday, sometimes Sunday and Monday as well. I think during the entire 3 months we were a couple we were at my house for 2 times only. And then it was usually me picking him up from his home (we both had no car back then). These were carneval (he hates it – I love it) cause I said I would definitely go there – with or without him – and my birthday party. He was really into my boobs *gr* and all we were talking about were the things he was interestted in. He even tried to make me stay with him for the summer vacation instead of going on a two week long language holiday to Malta with my friend Simone (I know her since about 17 years, since we both were about 3 years old). Then, when we were talking about school and university, I said that I wanted to leave Germany one day to live abroad – and he asked whether I was sure I was good enough to do so… And not in the nice caring way, no, it was more like ‘yeah sure, you’re far too bad at English to really be able to do this’... Gosh! He was my boyfriend, isn’t someone like that supposed to support me?!? Or am I wrong about that?
Well, it all ended really quick, but better a quick end than no end at all. My 17th birthday appeared, the next day I celebrated with my friends and my bf and the day after the party he called me and broke up.
About 3 months later I flew off to Malta with Simone and we had 2 absolutely wonderful weeks on our own.

From then on I kept away from guys – and probably still do, unless they’re good friends, classmates or friends I met through sports. Until this year’s carneval I got along without any problems. The difference: I decided that I should celebrate my achieved goal – pretty much normal weight – and therefore dressed up nice and maybe a bit sexy, too. The first time, about 1.5 - 2 months before the actual celebrations, we had a session, where some people and groups perform (as comedians, dancers, singers etc.) and after that there’s usually some music and the bar’s open, too. So I decided that I wanted to try Batida de Coco with cherry juice and got it and for some reason the guy bartending that evening didn’t just give me the drink as it would have happened all the years before but actually talked to me for a second or so.
Then, at the actual celebrations, one of the guys was somewhat drunk after the parade and talked and messed up my hair (*gr* I hate that! No one’s allowed to do that…) and we met quite some times later.
The day after this, there was the party the fire department hosted. Since my Dad’s a member of it he actually should have been bartending, but he’s getting older and therefore asked me whether I could help out LOL He had the shift from 11:30 p.m. till end. I agreed and while bartending a couple guys came and talked – just the ‘a bit drunk’-stuff, but it made me think...

Worst thing: about 10 days ago a good friend (Michael) came to visit me at 3 a.m. (no, I didn’t mix up p.m. and a.m.!) after being at another party and was a bit drunk (he still could answer very well) and we talked and suddenly he came up with ‘I always wanted to know how you kiss...’ I think you can imagine what I was like then, right? I was shocked!!! And of course nothing happened... Before leaving he said I wouldn’t let anyone get near the real me. What’s that supposed to mean?!?

Well, that’s it. That’s my experience with relationships within the last 20.5 years...

Déjà vu all over again ;-)

Oh my gosh!
Tonight I watched another episode of MTV's Made and it ws the one about a girl called Rachel Faust who was like an outcast at school who wanted to be hot and have a date for a ball at school.
That is so me!!! I was just shocked and couldn't believe it. On the one hand I just wanted to switch it off cause I knew all the bad things I've been through would come up again, but then - I just couldn't. Something forced me to watch the entire show...
This was so shocking and horrible - as if I had to re-live my past once more!
It was as if everything from my past came back to punish me again.
But it also had something good. I realized it wasn't as bad anymore. I mean, it was still bad to think about it, but I didn't get this feeling of being one big fool/idiot, you name it...
Especially cause there's this one guy to whom I'd like to say 'thanks'... Thanks for being mean, cause it made me the person I am now, thanks for being nice to me during the last 2 years, thanks for singing a song during math lessons to distract me, thanks...
It might sound weird, but yes, I'd like to thank this one person! He might have treated me like sh** from 8th grade on, but yet, I'd still be the innocence in person... I even wished I'd have become the new me earlier, cause then I probably wouldn't be so sarcastic about relationships, but that's another story.
Well, I could have lived without those horrible years of being treated like sh** (1st -9th grade!), but who knows what else it will be good for in the future?

This stupid computer again...

Since my stupid computer decided that it didn't want me to use my CD drive I have to re-install the whole stuff. For this I have to save the data I really need which takes some time, but I'll be done with it soon. I'm going to save the data that's left on my PC on my brother's so that I finally (after a 4 day odyssey) can get everthing working again.
This really pisses me off cause I have to rely on my PC.
TTYL after getting this solved...